THE DATING GAMES
NTEBO LAURETTA MORUDU
EXT. LAURETTA’S TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT ON THE SECOND FLOOR. Lauretta is holding her hand cream tube and making an imitation of a microphone. She is mercilessly singing Sam Smith’s – ‘not the only one’. She is half dressed and she is dancing against the wall of her tiny sitting room.
JUMP CUT.OUTSIDE HER DOOR, NOVA is standing outside knocking whilst listening in.
She finishes her song and immediately tears pour down, she sobs like a crazy baby, and while she is trying to finish off her crying she hears a knock on the door. She opens.
Oh, it is you,
She immediately turns, and NOVA lets herself in.
Of course, it is me, who do you think it will be? Sam Smith?
Which pervert hurt my friend?
(she approaches her in form of a hug)
I can sing.
Do not ignore my question. What happened?
Acting as if she is busy.
Don’t you have something better to do?
He is gay,
– and not just any gay, he is a trans and a cross-dresser
– what a pervert!
Friend am I bewitched? I feel like I am bewitched not to find a stable man in my life. I mean no one is right, all of them are perverts.
Friend, I think you are a honey that attracts losers.
Do you know what he said?
That his boyfriend dared him, and he accepted the challenge to score me. I mean, I am stupid we went on four dates and he never wanted to get physical.
Ahh friend, couldn’t you detect gay tring! Tring!
That’s it! I am giving up.
She goes to the balcony
– All the perverts of the world! I won’t date you anymore, you can kiss my ass!
She taps her bum and NOVA rescues her.
Are you crazy or what? People can see your ass!
Be glad that you have me, to rid off your dry spell and men repellent.
And how many men have you dated so far? The only person who has a dry spell is you. And anyway, when was the last time you were laid?
NOVA ignores her and starts searching the contents of her bag.
Anyway, I have a solution. You and I are going to a speed-dating event, as a starter. If you still cannot find the ‘one’ there, then my friend you are bewitched.
She hands her the flier.
Speed dating? Me? No ways. I think you have bumped your head when you came in, coz I am not going there.
Shame, you are. You need to find real love and I need a good night out to meet some yummy ben-tens.
– bring ice cream and let’s turn the volume of Sam Smith’s love song
EXT. OFFICE PARK CBD, LAURETTA’S OFFICE – MID-MORNING, Lauretta’s workplace. She is a human resource officer. A handsome colleague enters her office.
Hey, so I have all the CV’s you have asked for.
(places them on the table)
-Why are you looking so glum?
-Well let me give you advice.
(Sits down. JUMP CUT)
INT. A BUBBLE THOUGHT. Lauretta is daydreaming,
Why can’t men be like Zamani? Handsome, loving, gorgeous, experienced. Look at those hands and imagine them on you, sensually caressing you. His smile is divine, it is a shame he is taken – well engaged! I want some of that in my life. Maybe I should just accept that I am destined to be alone, but what can I do if I had that in my life?…
JUMP CUT. REALITY,
Earth to Lauretta, did you hear what I said.
…yah! I need to take time and pray about it and God will provide for me, Amen
Ohh, now you see, you are catching on fast. Good, I am leaving you now, busy bee. Hold on tight!
He gives her an ok hand sign and leaves Lauretta to her own unacceptable thoughts.
EXT. NIGHT, LAURETTA’S APARTMENT. She is frantically searching her closet, clothes are flying, and her mind is not made up. She hears a knock and she gets annoyed.
Lauretta are you in here? Sweetie tell me that you are dressed, nope! Then I know that you are lying!
She finds her in her bedroom sitting on the floor.
Please do not look at me, I am weak. I don’t know what to wear.
NOVA goes through her thrown out pile and chooses a bodycon.
I love this on you, go put it on.
Lauretta lazily takes the dress and heard to the bathroom. In about a minute she returns, and she has an African duku (head scarf) on.
What the hell is that!?
It makes me look like a lady, like a bohemian lady. It looks nice right?
… Okay fine you look beautiful, I shall admit. But I hope it gets you a date.
– ok let us leave before we miss the yummy ben-tens.
EXT. A BAR DOWNTOWN – TY’S. The tables are set in a long square and chairs are placed on both sides, and the time keeper is all serious.
Lauretta keeps on checking herself on her compact mirror, and her mind is focused on her looks, then there was a loud dong and the time keeper shouted “TIME!”
What is that you are wearing on your head?
It is a duku, do you like it?
Did your husband die? I mean like?…
JUMP CUT. GUY 2
Not that I am forward or anything, but I would like to spank that tonight, you have an African ass, right?…
JUMP CUT. GUY 3
Hello African mama, I would like to make you my thirteenth wife.
My wives will be excited, just like my big little man down there…
JUMP CUT. GUY 4, he is unclean, unshaven and smells bad. Lauretta almost gagged.
JUMP CUT. GUY 5,
I can recite a Shakespeare poetry want to hear?
He takes out a parchment and starts to recite. Lauretta slams her head on the table in misery.
INT. AT TY’S BAR, a loud gong sounds off and Lauretta quickly leaves the poetry Guy 5, who is still reciting his poem, and walks towards NOVA by the bar.
A glass of vodka, and please not a shot, but a glass.
So, what happened?
Weren’t you watching? I attracted the worst possible men out here.
NOVA looked around and saw several ladies walking off with men in their hands,
Honey people found love, what about you? Why couldn’t you get any of those guys those girls found.
They never reached me! Don’t you see that they were taken?
Friend you are slow.
Anyway, what were you doing, while I was busy that you couldn’t see?
Me!? I was flirting with that tall-ass-mo, right there. And he is buying me drinks, what a gentleman is he?
Oh, five o’clock, I see a guy eyeing you, excuse me.
A tall and dark man approaches Lauretta. She is amazed and puts herself right, she cannot believe her eyes. He is handsome, wow!
Hey, may I buy a lovely lady a drink?
As he is ordering up, a coloured, crazy woman approaches them.
Jy, Tyson! Is this the skank?
I am pregnant, and you are choosing floozies at the bar!
She is flashing her pregnancy,
Yoh! Maisie, vat jay doen hier?
You said you are going out with the boys. Wat is jy problem?
She drags him outside by his ear. Lauretta is overlooking their heated fight by the glass windows of the bar. She frowns and looks around. She eyes NOVA who has her grove on, and she doesn’t. How desperate she has become to find love. She took a sip of the vodka in the glass, … Her mouth started to get on fire and then her intestines. She reached over the bar counter and the barman quickly hands her a glass of Sprite™.
EXT. LAURETTA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT. She unlocks the door. Takes off her heels and heads to the fridge and takes out a bottle of wine and a glass in the sink (pile of dirty dishes), sits at the couch. Observes the glass, and it has fingerprints and lipstick smudge on it, she shrugs and pours the wine. Takes the remote on the coffee table and turns on the TV. A romantic movie is on.
INT. OFFICE PARK CBD, LAURETTA’S OFFICE – MORNING. Lauretta’s office, she is sorting through her desktop and looking through the papers. Her boss Yolanda enters her office.
I am disappointed with you. I asked you one thing. To headhunt that adoring and talented middle-aged lawyer man, and you did not!
Lauretta with surprise look on her face…
But Yolanda, he is bad for business. He has about one thousand charges of fraud and who knows what else. He would have attracted bad PR for the company, and the investors will have walked out.
I didn’t ask for your clever opinion! I need a man who does not mind being harassed. I am a single woman and I do not want to die without a man, like you.
I am still looking…
…for who, a relevant man!?
Oh please. I don’t think a man can lay a woman who wears a duku for recreational purposes.
Is there anything else I could do for you Yolanda?
No, but get me that man! Chop-chop!
She tosses the file on her desk and leaves. Lauretta sighs and slumps her head on her desk,
EXT. MIDDAY. Lauretta is sitting in bohemian styled restaurant. NOVA is telling her about her night out yesterday, and how she missed out.
Oh La, he was hansom ell over. Even his manhood is handsome. He gave me the best orgasm of my life. Can you believe it?
Sure, I can. Knowing you, I totally believe you, so how is the company?
Slow, like how he gave it to me. Ntwana you don’t know, sex is amazing. But friend for you, I will have to ill advise you to not pursue sex without emotions.
My friend, I mean your events management business. How is that going?
Of course, I was talking about my business, but also referring to my night yesterday. I have a gig this coming weekend, and it will be filled with man, hot men! Glowing with richness and handsomeness, and I want you there…
Oh, I am busy this weekend, I have a …
A file, that I need to submit on that Saturday, to Drucilla a.k.a Yolanda my boss.
NOVA eyed Lauretta,
What is the name of the file?
Ah… human resource
She answered confidently
You are lying! That is your job description. La you are coming, no excuses and no duku’s
Lauretta shamelessly patted her duku. she looks beautiful though.
INT. SATURDAY MIDDAY. A high-profile villa, where the party is hosted. NOVA is busy trying to mend things together, by shouting at the staff. She notices Lauretta who has short afro hair, and a burgundy strap back dress that complements her face, she is almost non-recognisable.
Oh friend, if I was a boy I would have wasted no time on hitting on you and taken you to one of those empty bedrooms of this mansion and sexed you silly for being bloody hot. You look amazing!
-And true story, that is my fantasy…
You are naughty NOVA, you look amazing to, and this place is amazing. Wow you are getting moola girl!
JUMP CUT. Their conversation interrupted by waiter’s squabble,
Eish friend, duty calls. I will let you mingle, there are lots of them in here…
NOVA chuckled like an excited little girl. A tall, dark gentleman approached Lauretta who was standing in the middle of a patio,
Either I have met you somewhere or you are one with the crowd of mischievous rich people.
Lauretta turned, and her face went different colours,
Oh, my word! Diamond Kganyago, what are you doing here and all so handsome?
She gave him a long hug,
Beautiful as ever I see Lauretta. You are a grown woman.
Oh please, don’t flatter me. You, on the other hand you are amazing and all so beautiful. You haven’t changed a bit, what are you doing here?
It is my party, I own this building, who did you come with?
Nobody, my friend is the event’s planner, so she invited me to mingle.
They both laughed at the saying…
JUMP CUT. ACROSS THE PATIO. An angry woman stares at Diamond, who is talking to Lauretta. It hits a nerve, and she hurriedly pushes through people, and reaches Diamond,
The immediate silence makes the atmosphere awkward.
Oh, this is my business partner, Cindy. Cindy this is my high school friend Lauretta.
Nice to meet you,
Can I borrow you for a second Diamond, please!
She sternly eyes Lauretta, and swiftly takes Diamond by his hand. Lauretta feels awkward she then decides to go and find NOVA and the toilet.
EXT. ONE OF THE BEDROOMS IN THE MANSION. Lauretta is going through the impressive mansion and she is ignoring her silly urge to leave the room. Since she knows that the house belongs to her handsome high school crush, her silly side urges her on.
I never took you as the naughty wondering girl, what are you doing in here?
Says a voice behind her, Lauretta wants to turn and look …
Stop! Don’t you dare look back. Just stand the way you are.
Lauretta hears the lock on the door – clicks, and her senses gets aroused. She can feel him walking towards her, and she is tempted to look back. He finally reaches her, and he strokes her neck, kissing it softly. He technically undresses her, and they make love on the bed in the middle…
JUMP CUT. THE HALLWAY OF THE MANSION. Lauretta is smiling to herself as she walks down of the stair, and she is meet with a startling stare from Cindy,
She smiles at her childishly.
What were you doing with my husband upstairs.
The smile fades from Lauretta’s lips.
She approaches her and faces her. She tugs her dress and scurry her outside to the party. She stops at the patio.
Whoever the fuck came with this cunt, please take this trash out of my house!
Everyone stares, giggles mixed with murmurs.
Who came with this piece of trash? That decided to have sex with my husband at my anniversary!
Diamond slowly approaches. Cindy sees him.
Oh! this is good. Well everybody please give a well round of applause to my husband, the CUNT.
JUMP CUT. Everybody looks on with disbelief. Diamond looks flushed and embarrassed.
Well since everyone came to witness our beautiful wedding. Let me show them how happy we are, sfebei!
She frantically takes off her shoes, and start chasing Diamond, who his basic instinct instructed him to run. Everyone is looking on amazed. In the background she is creaming: ‘You son of a bitch, sfebe,’ and other South African swear languages. She stops and heads inside the house.
JUMP CUT. At this moment NOVA is by Lauretta’s side, and Lauretta has this embarrassed look on her face. The crowd is in mere disbelief.
JUMP CUT. Cindy is at the balcony she is throwing expensive clothes out the balcony whilst everyone is witnessing,
I am tired of your bullshit Diamond. Here are your clothes, you can go and live with that slut you’ve just fucked in our house, on our anniversary. Seven years of your bullshit…
She goes back into the room.
JUMP CUT. The crowd is still spectating, some laughing.
JUMP CUT. She has a bat. She throws what would be a watch and hits it with a bat. It goes flying above the guests’ heads.
Here is your Rolex, you rich son-of-a-bitch. You’re stupid, your name is stupid, who is called Diamond? Like you are special and precious shit-head. Go fuck yourself and that fat slut down yonder.
(She eyes Lauretta)
-It is over, we are divorcing! And all you motherfuckers who came to the party, you can go home, the party is over! Hambani khethla!